Is it or is it not!!!

I have not blogged for so long, its a bit bizarre to find myself back at this space.

So much has happened, from being my mothers mother, to putting her to rest and now starting to do things for myself by myself and just with myself is kinda weird, but that's for another day, and another story.  For now though, I need to speak about crushing!  While my mother was bed ridden, this one and I have been emailing.  You know that person, the one that keeps a smile on your face and cheers you up without even knowing they do it for you?  The one that is your bit of fun and sanity in an insane situation?  The one that makes you look forward to the next day and to what you can expect in terms of communication?   Having such a crush on someone is too much fun!  Here is a gentleman that works in my complex and wow, I have awesome views  etc.  I am quite  good at watching him.  Stalker-ish kinda, but hey, be that as it may, the views are awesome! It's an industrial area so its all bland and you know, just buildings, and then amidst the buildings, this adonis walks around here. Listen, I might be exaggerating here somewhat, but in my eyes, he is beautiful!!! By beautiful I mean inside and out! Such a gentle soul, so nice, so kind, so awesome.  I honestly do not know him well but the little that I do, I can just say he is fantastic!  We have been communicating via email but I don't think he gets it.!!  I do not think he realises that I am shy when I see him.  I can't speak, I fluster, I giggle and I babble, and then after having spoken, my mind then goes over the ridiculous conversation and I think, Oh Lord, he thinks I am crazy!  I should have said.. Oh why did I say that!  I cannot answer this man properly in any shape or form.  I can once he has walked away.  Hell yes, then my mind comes back and then I can say what I want or should have said but .. Oh sweet gummy berry juice its quite embarrassing and too late cos the moment was over......  So here I am, well put together, or so I believe and then I can't talk.  I can't slap myself as that would really look bad and make me look crazy so, I just talk to myself all day!!  Shit aint progressing though, so we are at a standstill right now.  I mail him, he responds, I get excited and zap off another 7 or 8,with no response from him... Ok so I overdo it, but wouldn't you too if you have something this glorious to look at all day.  I have a few hiccups now and then, more often than not actually.  Here is one thing to know factually, I have not been in a relationship or any kinda dating for many many years, so right now, I am clueless actually.

Right now I wanna die of embarrassment as I THINK of situations that has really made me cringe and want to hide.  Let me start with about 2 weeks ago...... I had put myself on an email hiatus from Mr Lush, as I sent him plenty the Friday before as I had a hangover.  Oh Glory can I type when I am hungover... I don't even want to think about it.  So the following Monday I came in and sent him an email apologizing for my errant ways on Friday.  And then I decided that's it!! NO MORE MAILS FOR MR!! Its done.  I am now going to see if he thinks I am worthy of him.  I know I am but you know, I don't want to be the constant initiator.. anyhow, so not emailing him and just spotting him sporadically, its fine, not mailing... for real I quit for a bit. Then, I go to the bathroom and well, lets just say I ate a cabbage stew the previous night and well, we all know what happens.  While on the loo, I hear someone at my gate calling me ...** Hey missy, hello are you here missy?*** Fuck, its him, at the gate calling me!!!   I just say, hang on, I am coming cant a girl pee in peace.  I pull the chain, and I come to the door.  here he stands in all his glory.  Me, I laugh, well giggle.  He explains there is no water at their premises as the plumbers are busy there.  He tells me he has to wash his hands.. fuck fuck I cant let him in!!!  So I give him a non water hand wash, he then shows me his hands and says he needs to rinse them........ OMG I let him in, he goes straight to my bathroom here....... I have no idea whether there is a lingering smell,..... nanda.. I just stand here RED IN THE FACE.. and I cannot stop giggling... He cleans his hands and continues speaking to me.  I have NO IDEA what he said, I just giggle.......... but I am not mailing him. Went to the bathroom after he left... no smell..... thank heavens!!

Today, Oh sweet heaven earth swallow me up.... Today I want to cringe of embarrassment.  Not sure where it is but..... You know the inside part of your shoe... that thing....it was in my shoe when I left for work this morning.. That I can promise you, Got to work, went over to him to return the his tieback he gave me yesterday.  Not a tie tie,  the thing you use to tie things up... I got some from him to sort out the water from the gutters to the pool.  Anyhow, I go over there,  see his brother and his his business partner in the office, and strange they all leave when I get there, give it back to him, say thank you, smile, chat for a split second, although red in the face one can imagine, and say good bye and leave. I was so cool, or at the very least want to be so cool.............I get back to my office to find the inside of my shoe is gone. nooooooooooooooo OMG no this is not happening.  Please heaven tell me its not in his office and all the males there can see it... NO, this is not happening.  Kinda Cinderella-ish except the glass slipper is the innard.  Swallow me whole now please earth!!!!