Bumps and Bruises and other stuff

Hi there, I have been itching to write about my latest damaging skills... (to myself that is).... After the last blog when I discovered that hellova big bruise amongst others, I realised that Naughty Natalie is a rather wild child I need to subdue the bitch... Kinda calm her down.. dont know how the hell that is suppose to happen....

On Friday night, Channy, Janine and Krishna decided they wanted a potjie.  Fair play to them it really was a good call and I swear I am gonna try that on a pot on the stove cos it was delish!!!.   Anyway, we were sitting outside just chatting and when I look up I see the gals are putting make up on.... MAKE UP... for a potjie... no boys present...REALLY?  Hmmmm this I found rather interesting and decided that I better do the same.  I went into the house and went to look for my evening gown but alas, Toya obviously put it away and I could not find it, so I just put on my feather boa, stiletoes and of course the ever present make up... with bright red lipstick..  After all a gal needs that bit of red to bring out the Marilyn in her.  When I got outside the bitches laughed. Except for Michelle who had just arrived and of course Shane  I was like what the hell?  Hmmm shows you, they do learn that if you do something, you simply have to do it with aplomp......  Shit, thinking about it.....  I really want that recipe.  I am so bloody useless at cooking ok ... perhaps I should start a TV show on how not to cook.  I do have the very short hair and the burn marks to prove it.....

Now to tell you about my NEW bumps and bruises..... After the bathroom had been redone... and boy does it look hot, not only did all the drains get blocked... and blocked BADLY..... in fact, so bad that my mother and Channy BOTH flooded the house all the way to the kitchen.  I can understand Channy cos she is blonde, but shit man, my mother... pffffft.... Anyway, I kinda cleaned the drains out and was really happy that I could use the new open shower.  I have a massage shower head so it really is a fab thing.  Anyhow,  I got into the new improved shower, turned the water on...and BAM.... the damn shower head fell on my head.  I got a moerse fright and a groot knop.  Now those of you that wanna call me knopkop can cos I do have one.  Anyway, I  am now showering under what can only be described as single flow..... (imagine a man urinating... its straight down)... that is what I am dealing with now.....  just a pathetic single flow.......Not a problem though cos I am having it fixed before Sat.  Hell yea...

Sat is race day again.... whoop whoop.   I love my race days.  So proud of my son racing a 1000 superbike.  I think its the only time he cant hear me moan....KIDDING goodness I do not moan THAT much....  Ya, when you have a child, you need hair on your teeth. (vodka).... and big balls (vodka).

Its gonna be fabulous, cos Megan, Channy, Janine and Sasha are all going to be there... Yes sir, it can only be good.... I will be wearing flat shoes however, (thats what I am thinking now ) dont know if its going to happen though but for now its a good thought.

Have a fantastic week further people.....God Bless and keep smiling

Racing with the Stars

It was hot and it was exciting..... and of course Ponchos and Vodka was flowing.... Initially however it started all calm and cool....we were all screaming and shouting for our local boys (sorry Greg will holler for you next time bud). Did not even know you were in town till I saw your dad. And that was after the 1st race.......

As the day progressed, the vodka started flowing and ponchos were poured and oh well.  This time it was rather different though. There was a band playing and it was getting exciting.  They were playing afrikaans music.  Yep I now want Kaptein span die seile as my ringtone on my phone....and I am gonna get it.  The next time this phone rings I will go in full dutchman mode.  Pasop mense....Hier kom die dutchie.....

Well with the music flowing as well as the vodka we were all langarming and the strangest thing happened.  I morphed into Julius Malemas wife.  Yep I cunt reememba who invedid mah hed.  I hed so much fun.  I theenk I must avoid this in my life.  Itch and every pearson enjoyed themselves. I am lenning to tok well now..... I am epplying to be his personal assis-tent.  I will be verrry verrry gud at it..

I have no fucken clue how that happened but anyway, we all became comrades and spoke like them.  Oh well Juju hope you had fun... We sure as shit did.....AT YOUR EXPENSE bud.....

Anyway, now its a new week and a new adventure.  Tomorrow night we are having a party for Chantelles birthday so that can only be good.  I see good times ahead for the week.

Just a bit sad that Janet is leaving to go back to Wales.  We just have to be patient and know that she loves us and will be back....

Have a fantastic week you lot.  I will blog later in the week...

Less Vodka? Is it do able....

You know, I have been thinking.... and yes yes  I do this often...  but this is about my weight again.  I drink vodka and the more vodka I drink the thinner I get (OBVIOUSLY this shit is going on in my head).  I believe that I have the figure like Cameron Diaz .... for real.  Ask my mates who have seen me in my gold lame 2 piece doing a handstand in my pool which is so shallow, that when I stand upright its just below my tits. Now imagine doing a handstand.  This means, only my arms and head and neck and half tit is covered.  The rest is well above water..  Ok wait.. maybe a bit more is covered.  Obviously depending on the amount of vodka being drunk at the time.  Doing this in such a small pool is not as easy as it seems.  But that doesnt seem to be the only problem.  The other situation is that I am fucken drop dead gorgeous.  Ok I think I am sexy anyway but hells bells when intoxicated, I am Miss World.  And lets not talk about my voice.   I think I sound like Madonna mixed with a bit of Britney Spears.  Oh my, when intoxicated I am the person you all want to be  (in my head people in my head ok) cos I am all of the above.  So now I am thinking.... maybe I should change my drink to brandy... and drink some serious karate water..... but then, in doing that, do I really want to become Jackie Chang and Jackie Chang everyones arse that comes my way.  I say HELL NO.... rather stick to the vodka.  I dunno maybe I need to go and see someone about these illusions in my head.  Oh skrew that...I love them.  Now Saturday is race day for my Aran again.  And of course its a vodka day.  I try I really try and stay sober.  In fact, when in drunken state I speak the queens english so that my son wont pick up that I have been drinking.  Hey puppy... thats bullshit, he catches me every time....

Oh wait... if that was it, it would be cool, but I even drink the ugly fuckers pretty.  I love people I dislike.  I am a mess I tell you a soft mess.  The only thing I am not when drunk is horny, so I wont ever wake up and think OMG I should never have done that.  I need serious love the next day though ya... ya ... you  know what I mean...

Good heavens.... I am hungry... going to go and eat now and consider what to do about the drinking...... but hey I only drink on race days and party days  and nooooooooo I do not party every day... However, having said that ... tom night is hair, nails and wax night and then Saturday is drink day buuuuut... then next week Wed is a public holiday and Chantelles birthday on Thurs, so I can only imagine that we will party on Tuesday evening.

Please Lord, let me once again drink myself into utter beauty to love and honor and be good to everyone.  Let me supply the entertainment as only our beloved Naughty Natalie can.  What am I saying..... I am trying to drink less here dammit....NOT more.....

Have a good one ya'll

ANTS,,,,fucken ANTS!!!!

Oh boy, so Janet is down with Rooikoppie from Wales and its been going fantastic so far.  We all went to Gansbaai on Saturday so that Rooikoppie and Chantelle could go and swim with the sharks...  I just kept telling Channy that if the shark approaches the cage, she must not fear, just shove Rooikoppie infront of her....LOL.  Jokes aside I like the redhead.... she on the other hand..... well lets not go to what she likes shall we.  I think due to being Welsh it might me a disadvantage.  Janet is not disadvantaged though as she used to live in South Africa and has picked up alot of our dutchman mannerisms.  

Last Sunday we had a welcome to Cape Town Janet and Zoe and a happy birthday Debbie braai.  What a fantastic surprise I got when Shane made me a huge pink birthday cake, with 2 piece costume on it and all.  I really had a great day.  I even ate  the  costume top on the cake,  however,....... thinking I was fantastic and fabulous and hot and of course we all know Naughty Natalie came out to play, ...  I had this fucken huge cheshire grin on my face, smiling romantically at any and every man in my path,  totally unaware that my teeth were pitch black .... BLACK .... How could that possibly be considered beautiful?  Oh well, I was Vodkad up so to me I was hot.... 

Not to sure if it was Janet or Bones or my mum, but someone threw me into the pool..... I know this cos I have the bruises.  Now I know they are going to deny this but who on Gods Green earth would want to hurt themselves the way I got hurt.  No, I stand by it..... It was them, mixed with Vodka of course....

Anyway, after Gansbaai, Janet and Zoe took my mum with them to PE to go and visit my Kimmie, and of course go and see some of Welshies family up there.  I came home with Channy and Paytton.

Now here comes some interesting tidbits.... You see, I now have the house to myself.  I did not want anyone there cos I wanted peace and quiet.  Which I do have NOW.... anyhow,.. let me not get carried away and rather tell you what happened.

After Lionel left with Channy and Paytton, I was so happy to do what I want that I hopped in my pool naked.  Hell yea... it was fabulous.  I took of my sarong and put that on the side of the pool on the grass.  After cleaning the pool and relaxing.... give me about an hour here, I got out the pool... put on the sarong and toddled into the house to get cracking on setting up the pvr to record my programs for the week.  Laying ontop of my bed, I got a horrible feeling of things moving on me.... I swiped an ant... on me... then another... then another....well now, let me tell you, I was so scared that the ants got in all my crevices cos there were BILLIONS I tell you all over the bloody sarong... that I hopped in the shower .....  felt loads better and then got back on the bed to resume the recordings.  Ha, what a fucken laugh... there were ants on my bed.  I swear to you I was ant lunch... I could feel it... revenge of the ants... Hell no... Next time I will put my sarong on a chair or a table but NEVER ever on the ground again....

Now just waiting for them all to come home on Thursday and see where the wind takes us... Yay  its exciting..

Oh gosh.... Aran is racing this weekend.  Eeeeek... its vodka time.... Oh dear oh dear....