My new best friend..Gotta love her!!!!!!!

Every single time I think I am gonna blog I get distracted.  So now I finally sit here and just do it.  And I happen to think its perfect timing.

Firstly let me apologize to those that know me, and even those that don't but that will be, or could be meeting me in the future. I have to apologize for being a bitch.  A proper bitch... not a pretend one, a proper one and yet I am not cut from the bitch cloth, but oooh boy, its here, its in my mind and body... its my new best friend ........I have been avoiding meeting her but aaah, she finally come to to meet me fully.. Meet my new best friend ... her name is "Menopause".  Once again, let me say I have to apologize in advance, for when I am going to be rude to you, or be mean or nasty..... These power surges I get.... I can no longer call it a tropical vacation, cos its up the antes... its way hotter than that, it equates to a power surge.. so ya.... Eskom I swear I can give you a run for your money.

These estrogen induced bipolar, manic depressive, with psychotic rages, shared with bouts of crying, is a full time new behavioral pattern.  I never know who I am going to wake up as.  Could be all smiles, could be totally pissed at the first person I see, or I could just be sad.  I have learnt that I am able to cry at the drop of a hat.  Anyone can say *how are you??*  And that invokes crying..... but only on the cry days ok... ask me that shit on a Devil is here day, and you will quite possibly meet the foot up your arse, or a book thrown at you. When i have my double dose of psycho I see things my way... My way is the highway of late... Get outa my face!!!!!

And it gets better... much much better.... try losing weight when you are menopausal.  If you have followed my blog you are well aware that I suck on a diet... Totally fucken suck ok!!! I have not lost weight since November last year.... however, I have gained... Yay is me... Oh wait.. thats my sarcastic button ....ooops. And after reading numerous articles on google... (Hell yes I google everything) and Wikipedia (sure sure but not as nice as google) I see that chances of me losing my weight is slimmer than a hen growing 2 front teeth. Imagine how that is pissing me off too.

The only thing good is Aran.. He just had his knee op and now is out of racing superbikes for the season.  I hope its only the season cos cor blimey I would miss my drink like a deranged person days....

I got a nice little get together going this weekend.  All the old gals  (NOT age wise ok) coming over and then its the Rattex Queens birthday on Saturday.. OMG... Its going away.  I am having it posted to Durban to visit her sister for a month.  Bring on happy changes while she is gone....LOL... Oooops, but yes there will be plenty invites to get you all to come help with renovations...

So in conclusion I would like to say... I recon I am still a hot babe.... it only comes in flashes now though...

Be good ya'll and have a fabulous day..

Nkandla Style

My poor neglected blog

Oh dear Lord, I have NOT blogged like in....FOREVER... I have no idea why I have been so lax.  Its not as if I had nothing to write or to report on.  Trust me, its not all smiles and roses.  Hell the drama just gets worse and then just when you think it cant get any worse it actually does.

Good news is that Aran raced this weekend that just passed, and did a tremendous job.. Ooooh fuck that noise let elocution go out the window and ..NOT gonna speak like that...lemmie tell you how it is homie..he did fucken well man.  2nd in the 1st race and then in the second race the ferring started coming off and dragging which made him slow down.  He ended 6th but still ended 3rd overall.  Not to shabby for someone who only realised the day before that he was gonna race.  My voice was gone for 3 days... (I think the old man here is very happy.  (My bosses father) cos he shits me out daily.... Telling me I talk too loud..AS IF.... ok ok so I do, and i know but hell you know, how does one silence a talker... pfffffft) 

So glad that Arans sponsor had come through, which without him, there would have been no racing.  What an awesome sponsor he has.  Thanks to the sponsor I have started drinking again cos you know the nerves are a bit frazzled when the boykie races superbikes,..... was good to feel the vibe again.. bloody awesome actually....Now that I no longer drink Vodka, I seem to behave.  I think the fact that I am no longer drinking the ponchos also helps a lot!!! I now drink Jaegie....EEEWWW actually,  but I do tell Megan, Channy and myself that its herbal and its good for us..........Then the next day he cycled the Argus.  Craaaaaazy I tell ya... he did not miss a beat.  3h03min.  done and dusted and then cycled yesterday and today and every other day I suppose.  He does encourage me to cycle.  I am of the opinion that if I lie to him and tell him that I am peddling on my electric bike, that he would believe me but then that would encourage him to push me harder, which in turn would just scare me, cos he is a tough nut, and I doubt very much if I would actually like him to be my gym master.  Aran is one tough cookie 

I know I am the antithesis of my son.  Where he is skinny, I am.... big boned???? LOL naah KIDDING.... I am a proper duk stuk in the full sense of the word.  Hey, before you say stop knocking yourself, please remember that I vow to speak the truth and only the truth about my weight...... I am FAT...thats the truth and that is not knocking anyone or anything... Knocking things could be fun..but aaaarg.... not yet.  

So right now I am back at zumba.  I dance twice a week like a bloody crazy latin freak...not the normal ones trust me..... cos my tits just jiggy all bloody over the show....not quite normal,.... and well,  I am convincing myself that I have a plan...a very good plan indeed to lose weight...The plan.....DO NOT DIET!!!!!!!... bloody hell.... lets see how thats gonna work for me.  When I leave zumba class, I am sure that I am much lighter cos I sweat my arse off in that class.  So now, I have decided to see a Hypnotist.  I told him what to say while I am under but I doubt if he will listen..  I just want him to tell me that I cant eat when happy or when sad....LOL... now imagine that. I want him to tell me that I must eat 5 small meals a day and drink water......shit a brick I should make sure to tell him to say that each portion is the size of a california roll.. that should do it.... or the little bowl that you put your soya sauce in... oh dear Lord, now this is making me think of sushi,... and now hungry.. Dammit if all else fails I am gonna wire my jaw shut... bloody hell.... but dont worry.  Next time you hear from me, I will be thinner, I cant tell you how much, I still don't know which manner is gonna do it...but one of them sure is gonna work

Oh. there has been some hectic drama in the family, but its too soon.  Way too soon to talk about it. 

For now I shall say toodle to you noodles...and catch up soon... I missed blogging!!! damn its been cathartic

My poor neglected blog

Oh dear Lord, I have NOT blogged like in....FOREVER... I have no idea why I have been so lax.  Its not as if I had nothing to write or to report on.  Trust me, its not all smiles and roses.  Hell the drama just gets worse and then just when you think it cant get any worse it actually does.

Good news is that Aran raced this weekend that just passed, and did a tremendous job.. Ooooh fuck that noise let elocution go out the window and ..NOT gonna speak like that...lemmie tell you how it is homie..he did fucken well man.  2nd in the 1st race and then in the second race the ferring started coming off and dragging which made him slow down.  He ended 6th but still ended 3rd overall.  Not to shabby for someone who only realised the day before that he was gonna race.  My voice was gone for 3 days... (I think the old man here is very happy.  (My bosses father) cos he shits me out daily.... Telling me I talk too loud..AS IF.... ok ok so I do, and i know but hell you know, how does one silence a talker... pfffffft) 

So glad that Arans sponsor had come through, which without him, there would have been no racing.  What an awesome sponsor he has.  Thanks to the sponsor I have started drinking again cos you know the nerves are a bit frazzled when the boykie races superbikes,..... was good to feel the vibe again.. bloody awesome actually....Now that I no longer drink Vodka, I seem to behave.  I think the fact that I am no longer drinking the ponchos also helps a lot!!! I now drink Jaegie....EEEWWW actually,  but I do tell Megan, Channy and myself that its herbal and its good for us..........Then the next day he cycled the Argus.  Craaaaaazy I tell ya... he did not miss a beat.  3h03min.  done and dusted and then cycled yesterday and today and every other day I suppose.  He does encourage me to cycle.  I am of the opinion that if I lie to him and tell him that I am peddling on my electric bike, that he would believe me but then that would encourage him to push me harder, which in turn would just scare me, cos he is a tough nut, and I doubt very much if I would actually like him to be my gym master.  Aran is one tough cookie 

I know I am the antithesis of my son.  Where he is skinny, I am.... big boned???? LOL naah KIDDING.... I am a proper duk stuk in the full sense of the word.  Hey, before you say stop knocking yourself, please remember that I vow to speak the truth and only the truth about my weight...... I am FAT...thats the truth and that is not knocking anyone or anything... Knocking things could be fun..but aaaarg.... not yet.  

So right now I am back at zumba.  I dance twice a week like a bloody crazy latin freak...not the normal ones trust me..... cos my tits just jiggy all bloody over the show....not quite normal,.... and well,  I am convincing myself that I have a plan...a very good plan indeed to lose weight...The plan.....DO NOT DIET!!!!!!!... bloody hell.... lets see how thats gonna work for me.  When I leave zumba class, I am sure that I am much lighter cos I sweat my arse off in that class.  So now, I have decided to see a Hypnotist.  I told him what to say while I am under but I doubt if he will listen..  I just want him to tell me that I cant eat when happy or when sad....LOL... now imagine that. I want him to tell me that I must eat 5 small meals a day and drink water......shit a brick I should make sure to tell him to say that each portion is the size of a california roll.. that should do it.... or the little bowl that you put your soya sauce in... oh dear Lord, now this is making me think of sushi,... and now hungry.. Dammit if all else fails I am gonna wire my jaw shut... bloody hell.... but dont worry.  Next time you hear from me, I will be thinner, I cant tell you how much, I still don't know which manner is gonna do it...but one of them sure is gonna work

Oh. there has been some hectic drama in the family, but its too soon.  Way too soon to talk about it. 

For now I shall say toodle to you noodles...and catch up soon... I missed blogging!!! damn its been cathartic

To lust or not to lust

Damn the butterflies, damn the bees, damn the whole lot of jelly happening in my stomach.  I have no flippen idea what is wrong with me except that all I can do is giggle and well....giggle.

I am so in lust that I cant see the wood from the trees.  Thankfully he is totally oblivious to it, or else I would not be able to face him.  You know those little school girl crushes you get..Oh my God, I am totally crushing on someone!!!!

He finally asked for  my bbm pin.. whoop whoop!!! and so communication began.  Lets just say, I giggled shall we.  I tried to sound reasonable but alas,  I dont think it went that well.  On Saturday night he decided to come and party with the rest of the family and the new extended family and then some.... He asked me if he could bring some party people .... I said sure of course,  and then he drops the bomb.... its women. what could I say.... sorry for you Mr, I want to ride you like Sea Biscuit and have jealousy issues?  Pfffft NOT gonna happen.  So I allow all of this to go down, whilst plotting a protest in my head and trying to be sexy at the same time.  I mean Marilyn Monroe was out to play!!!!

The problems arose soon after..... I just wanna put it in a nutshell for you so that my humiliation is very short lived today.    We all went out to go and dance.  He (lets rename him Blue Steel) was chatting to his friends, and while he was doing that I was sashaying across the dance floor and pulling moves to get his attention but oh boy that shit was not being noticed at all..   Anyhow, while I was busting some moves, he was chatting away totally oblivious to me.  I then went to sit down and finally he wanted to speak to me... OMG blush smile pretend all is normal, etc etc.he gets me down on the couch next to him, now I am all thumbs and toes and giggles... as he pulled me down to sit with him and talk to him, the blonde (this girl was busier than a tick on a cats back!!!!) came rushing over and knocked a drink over,  its spilt all over the floor (I went into sulk mode as it was pretty obvious she had intentions bigger than mine and did not want him anywhere near me or anyone else for that matter... I then got up to go and dance and slipped in the wet spot and went down looking busier than a one armed man in a fist fight!!!!! Thankfully someone else went down with me, but eish, this was right infront of Blue Steel.  He doesnt see me busting moves but he sure as shit sees me with my arse firmly parked on the ground!!! Let me just tell you all that my whole arse is black and purple and pretty damn sore How cruel is life.... I am now trying to un lust myself....perhaps pursue knitting.. I think this will work to my advantage as I cant humiliate myself that way...

Enough I say, its race weekend again... so I shall partake in the vodka spirit of things and have a hangover on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday aaaarg. I suffer for a whole damn week but oh well, when the boy races the nerves are shot.

It really did not taste good!!!

I know its been ages.  I like my little sporadic breaks from blogging.  Its like a build up and then every once in a while I think, *oh my gosh lemmie just write again*.  This is one of those moments when I should be utterly embarrassed and NOT write about it.... but alas... tis me, and I keep losing my embarrassment button.

First it was Blades birthday out in Durbanville.  Thankfully Shane made the theme for his party green and purple for Barney.. Awesome stuff, and of course, you get green fizzers.  Those that taste like cream soda aka green ambulance aka cream soba..... Well, being me, and loving fizzers, I stole some from the kiddies table.  I had to ok, she never put any on the adults table.  I threw them in my bag as we left and was really a happy person for having had some in my bag.  Yes yes I KNOW its wrong to steal but it was fizz bars ok..  She did say I could take a couple (probably meant 2) but I got 4.  Greedy right... so getting home was good, I didnt go into a sweet coma cos I didnt have enough and I always leave one in my bag for *those days* you  know, hangover etc....

This weekend that just passed, was Payttons birthday, so I tell Channy to buy fizzers,  Channy buys the pink ones of course and they are the bigger ones.  On Sunday we had Payttons 2nd party at our place and well, you know, as with anything party, drinks come out...and boy was I LOVING the bloody mary's and then I changed over to the red wine.... Yaaa the cousins... you know... 4 cousins natural sweet red.  OMG,  I got wasted, I eventually ran off to bed.  Now here comes the thing.  The next day, Channy came to clean the house and everyone left and I was left alone, hanging like a bitch, thanks to the four cousins wine  aaaarg.... while laying on my bed feeling sorry for myself, I remembered that I had a green fizzer in my bag.  No problem for me, I stuck my hand in, felt around, KINDA peeped in the bag and saw one.  Was I happy... I was laying with my eyes closed, (sore head thanks to too much wine) and opened the fizzer and stuck it in my mouth.  Here is where it gets tricky.  Once it was in my mouth, it felt plastic, and I was rather confused.  I took it out and to my utter utter disbelief, it was a tampon from Canada.  Now, I KNOW you wont understand how I can mistake a tampon and a fizzer but bloody hell, those from Canada are NOT like ours. It comes in a green flimsy wrapping *check*, the applicator is green *check*  as for the rest... dont even ask ok, am I ashamed that I tried to suck on a tampon,  uhm YES....but in my defence....I thought it was a fizzer.  Am I ever going to blindly feel in my bag and think its something else that I am grabbing, probably, will I stick it in my mouth next time...NO,....I have learnt my lesson.  Haiawatha must keep her tampons to herself and NOT confuse me....

Today I am happy cos I am no longer hanging and I saw a green fizzer in my bag and ATE IT....

Have an awesome time ya'll and for insparation I quote  Cavett Robert "Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed."

Toodles you noodles... have a good one.  xoxo

My Failed Divorce!!!

Wow, it really has been a while.  I decided to write about my divorce.... NOT from a man.... but from something worse than a husband.... its......its.....from my excess weight for heavens sake.

I actually asked my weight to leave my body on numerous occasions.  I first spoke to it, (mild diet as in drops and herbal crap and pills), then I begged it ( now getting onto the diet mixture that kicks like a mule and makes your hair stand on end), and finally I was shouting at it,( here we talking the heavy artillery as in Tobasco sauce and anything that hot and spicy).  And then of course lets not forget those health freaks and fanatics that insist they can help.  I mean, for real,  I even tried to punish THIS BODACIOUS Body of mine by putting it through strenuous paces, (by strenuous I mean anything from 5 sit ups to kegals to zumba, but to no avail.  I have finally come to the conclusion that this divorce of the fat ain't gonna happen.  My fat has decided it loves me too much, (and we all want to be loved right), but for shit sake,  just leave me alone already!!!!.

After all the diets, (and I do not think there is ANY diet that I have NOT tried), I have now finally decided that I cant fight this battle and have come to surrender to the will of the fat.  It has not beaten me... HELL NO!!! NOT by a long shot, its just kinda made me realize that the more I try and shake it off, or depart from it, the more the excess weight clings to me.  (I now clearly understand why men or women dont like clingy partners)

Listen, I have tried the heat pads, I have tried those damn shocker things.  Yes, shocking as it may seem, that i was prepared to SHOCK myself thin, I even had one of those shaker machines with the belt, NOT the new ones they have now, (its like 80's wobbler I had, with the belt that goes over the arse and you lean into it), a proper one that made you itch your arse off, except that the arse would not go either, it would itch, but it would not go...

Since the tummy tuck many moons ago, all I bare from that is a scar,  however, not all is lost in that department, as I can still see my vagina!!! Oh hell yes, its still in view, but then again that could possibly also be cos its fat, like a volkswagen bonnet. Who knows, for now I shall just fool myself and believe that I am some 50 shades thinner than I was the other day..  Its not really a case of fooling oneself.  Its more like, when I drink I believe I am a skinny bitch!!! and when I dream I am always thin in my dreams.... ERGO, I am thin... in a thick way obviously!!!...

Oh well, if anyone knows of any other way of getting slim, do get in touch.  I will probably laugh at you (no not with you) and say thanks cos my fat will fight you for what its worth and its taken me years to get here so yes, it gonna fight you tooth and nail.

Its incredible to have this kind of love in your life, even though its your own love, but ya, who are we to disagree with what our body is telling us.  Mine is totally telling me it loves me and RE-FE-USES to leave.  So this is definitely a marriage until *death us do part* or of course there is some new wonder drug, or drug lord or something that can help.  In the meantime I shall just merrily suck on my Xanax, it makes life so much better and so much lighter... in the head!!!!!

Toodles you noodles been nice writing again!!!