All things fat

I am a fat woman.  Yes, fat.  I diet, all the bloody time.  Is it helping ...NO.  why?  perhaps cos I eat when happy, eat when sad, eat when there is a party, eat when its hot , eat when its cold....eat 3 meals a day, eat one meal a day.  Does it matter.  Yes it does.   Is there an EA (eaters anonymous)  No... One has to eat... fuckit!!!! Do I want to be fat?  a resounding NO. Do I accept that I am fat.... uhm, sure but one has to define the acceptance.  Firstly, when I dream, I am thin in my dreams, when I drink, I drink myself thin and think I am Demi Moore, however when I am sober, THAT is a vastly different story.

I have not come to terms with my situation, and its not a new thing either.  I accept that in all things related to my weight, I procrastinate very much, in the sense that it takes me for ever to believe that I am actually fat. Looking in the mirror dispels my thin thoughts, but only for a brief moment... walking away, I am once again thinner... Its just a thing I have.  I dont think its helping me on my road to losing it.... but its a real thing.

I dont like that I am fat, and I dont for a minute believe that anyone that is overweight likes it.  (ok perhaps there are one or two, but definitely in the minority).  I do however accept that I am fat.

Being menopausal certainly does not help.  It makes me a grumpy fat at times.  That just pisses me off so much.  I am generally a happy person and joke all the time.... (yes its true fat people joke, but one must remember thin people do it too). I know its out there that fat people are funny, but thats got nothing to do with our weight.. Its our personality... get it... Being told that I mustnt lose weight cos then I wont be so funny is just beyond bizarre.  I was funny when I was skinny you retarded bitch!!!!! that shit has not changed...., my personality has not changed..... My SIZE changed... the rest.... the rest is all me... Being hormonal is not for the faint hearted.  Its like my internal flip switch on the thermos and the emotions just goes buck wild when it feels like it.  It doesnt give me a heads up to say, hey Missy in 5 minutes, you are gonna lose your shit over something small, oh and, dont forget the heat wave, thats gonna hit in 10 minutes.  Oops you are in a public place and cant undress.... my bad!! That shit is real.... Drinking is not an option to get over it, as alcohol makes me hot as well...but that could also be cos I think I am Demi Moore and sexy and can do it... Shit, either way, its a bad idea.

Being kinda pretty helps somewhat... not a whole lot but somewhat.... I remember a guy wanting to take me to a company dance and actually had the balls to tell me that I was gorgeous and fabulous and would love to take me to his dance but that my size put him off.... arsehole!!!! Do guys think its easy for us to show our cellulite?  to show our long tits?// Now that is a very real problem with fat girls who have very big tits. The weight pulls them down so they become long...Thankfully you dont have to roll them up to fit them in the bra,  one just lifts it and it sure fills the big bra!!!

Ok so the bottom line is............. I am fat and I do not like it but I do accept it unwillingly.  Take it or leave it, being fat is not a want, nor a need, its a fucken disaster.... but hey.... I shall continue on my quest to lose the weight.

So long y'all be good and keep on eating..

Dating and sex

Going out on dates are absolute fun.  Or should I say "old school dating" is loads of fun, and you know whether you are going to have sex afterwards or not.  Those are the dates when you go out with your friends and you meet a random guy and smile at each other across the room, and, you know, flirt and be cryptic and then swop numbers to go out on a date.  Thinking about the date and getting ready is just as exciting and elicits butterflies in the stomach.  You would have changed your outfit about a million times, tried different shoes, different make up.  When he finally comes to pick you up to take you out for dinner, or drinks, the banter is great and you already have your flirty pants on, as we all want to be liked, and you know, let's be honest if he is hot, it's going to end in bed. What you do in bed would obviously depend on how much you drank, let's just talk about that for a second, as we all have drinking goggles!!  Having now spend time with the guy, and drinking wine, or the preferred whisky in my case,  whether you like it or not, you are liking him more by the minute, unless he is a proper tool, and you are put off, then you just drink to make the night go quicker, but beware, if you are a pleaser and you want to be liked, this is where the bus should stop before you start gargling your words!!!  Make an exit and FAST!!! or else,.... you are going to get laid even if you did not want it in the first place. 

Having sex on a first date is taboo for some people.  Even those that have sex on first dates, as they have been taught to hold out until the third date or even 3 months, or Bless those that do hold out to marriage!!!!  Never quite got that one, as you either like the person or you don't, and if you do, well, it's on I believe and loads of people put out on first dates.  Not necessarily all the way, a blow job here, a bit of cunnilingus there, a hand job, that would depend on your date and how you felt about him at that time. You see, sometimes the date starts well and ends really shitty, and it doesnt take much to make it go either way.... He could just burp or fart and you could be put off, or you could just be that drunk and not care for his manners, and that's when you end the date because my dears, if you continue to drink, you are going have sex... all the way sex..!!! ! It's going to happen. It might be shitty sex, who knows, but let me tell you, it's going to happen. If you end up spending the night at his place and you wake up, it could be awkward.   The previous nights shenanigans are a blur, you feel hungover, but hey, you might get a morning after shag, and then do the walk of shame leaving his place wearing your clothes from the previous evening.  Who knows dears, but let's just say that I believe sex and dating are good bed fellows!!!

Now, if we talk about *new age dating*, those are the ones you pick up on the net.  Those are the scary ones. You get the pic of the super hot guy or super hot chick, and it transpires they actually have 24 more zits than the pic shows, but hey, because you want to be nice you are going to give it a try... RUN... run for your bloody life darlings, those are the con artists of the world and your panty would be at your ankle in 2 seconds after you sat down, if you did not hold the elastic in your hand.  I have an experience with this 1st hand, so I will keep this short, and fill your dating do's and don'ts when next we meet.  

READ THIS and many many more stories in ALL THIS AND MORE... A NEW ONLINE MAGAZINE.

My Robber Stopper!!!

I just want to say, living in South Africa today, is a sport.  Yep, you have to be able to run fast, or freeze on the spot. The amount of robberies and killings and raping happening is staggering.  And here we are sitting ducks...but ducks we don't always have to be.  We do not have to be locked up in our homes, to feel safe,  cos its our homes they are after too.  The content and whatever the hell they can get their hands on is all up for grabs.  They just want want want...but the only WANT they don't want is to want to work!!

Anyway, after all of that, about 3 weeks ago, in the wee hours of the morning I heard a very loud thud.. LOUD. I thought perhaps it was a tremor, it was not a sound I was familiar with. I got up and went to check the front door and all was well.  My car was still there, so it was all good.  I went back to bed not knowing that if I had looked out of my window, I would probably have laughed the whole neighbourhood awake and taken pictures. I went back to sleep not thinking much cos it all looked good.

I woke up in the morning, and opened my curtains............and there it was....proof , absolute proof that some miscreant wanted to do some affirmative action shopping in my house.  Who else jumps over your wall in the dead of the night like a criminal, but a criminal??? And this is where I was shocked.  He jumped over my wall and landed on my cactus plant!!! He fell down so hard, that he actually broke the pot that the cactus plant was in.  Now I ask you with tears in my eyes, how the hell did he not scream??? I have a cactus with very long thorns!!!  Justice I tell you, justice.  I am keeping my eyes open for some bloke walking around holding his arse, cos if he does not get it seen too, those thorn pricks will get septic...shame ... NOT  tsk tsk..

EPIC FAIL for him.... Now I am getting cacti all around my parameter wall, and will await the next visitor....

Bird Feeder..Impressive read

Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit... it was everywhere: on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table... everywhere ....

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.  And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ...  quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.  Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.   Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. 

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than our flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

(1) OMG so scary to watch.......but so proud of him.... - Debbie Van Niekerk

(1) OMG so scary to watch.......but so proud of him.... - Debbie Van Niekerk:



'via Blog this'  He has so much talent..... !!!!

Aran Van Niekerk.. My son ...so proud of him

What the hell??? I NEVER knew

HOLY SHIT..... no for real..... all this time, years, and years, laxatives later, detoxing, juicing, dieting... any diet... name one you can name a 100, those are all the diets I have been on... Fuckit.... and the answer was right here... in a itsy bitsy little packet that costs 1-00 at the local shop.  

So many years have passed, and I remained over weight.  Even doing exercise and getting a personal trainer, I am overweight.... ok so i am muscling up big time, but then, I do know that cos I gotta lotta wobbles going on my body and while I excercise like a demon I am turning the wobble into muscle.. Well not like that but that the muscle grows and pushes the fat out the way.  I just gotta wait to wobble less... Aaaannyhooo, I am digressing from my point.......

Last night the Rattex Queen told me to have a teaspoon of Epson Salt.  No lies, that shit tastes bad man... horrible.  She said it would do my skin the world of good.  I mean, at 71 she should have knowledge right.... And then Sasha told me last week her mum had used it as well... So, who am I to disagree... I tried the epson salts.  I had a teaspoon last night, and then I had a teaspoon this morning.  Now I am NOT 100% sure if you need to do this twice a day or only once.  Me, I did it twice cos thats who I am.. I always overdo everything.. More is always better in my eyes... 

This morning, I get to work, Andrew is sitting at my desk. I loved it as I enjoy chatting to him and catching up etc, but for fucksakes, when you have 2 teaspons of epson salts in your body, its not good timing.  I have never prayed to hard for Andrew to leave the office.  I swear, I could shit through the eye of a needle... Its wonderful writing this blog, knowing I am sitting on the loo and getting thinner by the minute.  Perhaps I have overdone it.. who knows, but hells bells, its gotta be good..  I think perhaps I did overdo, but aaaah well, will make right tomorrow.. (who knew, who bloody knew it was that simple)......  

For now, the toilet is my friend...... and i LOVE IT!!!

Toodles noddles.