Monday, 27 February 2017

Debbie does.... Diesel

I actually just found this in my draft.  This one quite a couple of months old.  In fact, its soooo last year, I don't  know why it was in the draft, but well here goes, am now posting it.

Well now, I haven't blogged for ever and a day.  However, I thought it wise to warn people that I now drive a Vivaro, that is diesel and its BIG.... really REEEEAAAALLY BIG!!!

I got my PDP licence and now I may drive people around.  Fear not people fear not...... this is not my full time employment, although, now that I think about it, the more I drive, the safer you would all be. Just let it be known that I am a confident and competent driver. (have no idea what others have to say but thats my take)

Anyway, yesterday I did my first driving in the *Aravan*.. Yeah, that's how Aran named his vehicle and it is apt.  So here I am, trying to mull it over in my head about what actually happened yesterday, and how far I have come, and to tell all you lucky sods, that you don't have worry,  as Aran did not fire me, so I can  and will still drive you all around! (if you like living on the edge that is) or not... I am getting better  you know. This is a promise to those who are a little scared.  I suggest you drink first, it would make it easier!!!

Here is the breakdown of the day.

1.  Excitement, apprehension, panic... fuck fuck fuck

2.  Drive to collect clients, all the while speaking to myself out loud... cos that what one does right!

3.  Once I collected the clients, the nerves kicked in, but hey, I talk a lot so I thought to just .....
      talk, you know, be chipper, be confident, be a damn good driver... shit shit shit how am I gonna
      do this...Pep talk to myself.. You can do this Debbie you can do this.  When I realized that they
      were not a talkative bunch, I backed off... (I think I should have realized going up the first hill
      that perhaps they were in fear at this stage.  Well possibly, as I was going up that hill slower than
      a tortoise having to stretch its neck getting a piece of lettuce 1 cm away.

4.  After I dropped them off at the first stop, I decided to do a trial run for the next stop.   Thank
     heavens I took THAT initiative as I hopped a pavement, knocked the rim of the rear wheel
     (not badly ok, just enough to give me a moerse fright and realize that I have to take much wider
     turns to get round short corners, and then, then I had to face my bigger fear, that damned 40 deg          hill.  This was not going to go well...... Up and down I drove, over and over I practiced.  

5.  Picked up clients for the second drop.  That was easy!!! As I go around the first corner the one             lady in the back asks me casually, *Do you do drifting?*  Drifting........Oh shit oh shit, oooooh            shit, I am going to fast around the corners, these people are getting whiplash in the back there!.            Right,...  gotta get it together.  First, when going round a corner, go slower!!! You have the                  steering wheel to hang on to, they have bugger all in the back .. .  eeeeek.


6.  Going SLOW around the corners - check,
     Going WIDE around the corner - check.
     Dropping clients off at 2nd stop safely - check

Trying to get up that bloody awful hill was horrible.. just a bloody nightmare.  I get home, cry to my son that I cant do it and that he must go and collect the clients etc.  He absolutely refuses.  Tells me that I have to do it as its not good business to have different drivers for same clients.  Fuck!!! He then takes me to where there are hills and makes me pull away.  I cannot do this.  this damn van goes so slow!!! It has no power.  My son then tells me that it is in fact a TURBO DIESEL, and I must pull away and not put foot, but wait for the diesel to kick in, and the van will go fast.  OH MY GOD!!! something that simple......... !!! Something that simple and I would not have had a mental breakdown.  WOW.  I go and fetch the clients and drive them up that dreadful hill, with easy........why? Oh because I now KNOW how to drive turbo diesel.

Hope you all have a fantastic day further.  Remember life is what you make of it.  If you are happy and exude happiness, it will come to ;you.  What you put out there comes back.. My clients got home safe in the end.  No people were hurt in this exercise.

Soon soon xoxo

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Debbie does ...: Getting flashed by a taxi jockey

Debbie does ...: Getting flashed by a taxi jockey: This morning, along with every other morning, I get pissed off driving to work.  I get really really pissed off, as we are all sitting in ou...

Getting flashed by a taxi jockey

This morning, along with every other morning, I get pissed off driving to work.  I get really really pissed off, as we are all sitting in our vehicles, waiting our turn to go.  Then along comes a taxi, and zooms past us on the wrong side of the road and cuts off traffic and hey, its ok, cos most of us, sit in our vehicles and get annoyed and call them names, but never do anything.

This is the third time I have zipped into the oncoming lane in Table View in South Road, to prevent a taxi from riding like a doos. They come down the road at a hellova speed, andwe all just sit and wait our turn.  I say NO MORE!! This morning as I looked in my rear view and side mirror and saw the taxi coming, I pulled out and then pulled  up  NEXT to the vehicle that was infront of me.  The taxi driver skidded to a halt behind me, and made movements as if he was going to take me off the road. His jockey or whatever you call the idiot that does the screaming and shouting and collecting of money, jumped out of the taxi and ran towards my window calling me all sorts of names.  I laughed and swore at him and said, get back in your box, we are ALL waiting to get to work.  Not moving out the taxis way,  the dude in the vehicle next to me smiled and waved and showed that I could move into the traffic infront of him.  I did not want to so I stayed where I was till the taxi pulled in where my car was behind the vehicle.  The taxi then pulled back into the oncoming traffic in an attempt to frighten me to move out of the way.  I am menopausal you doos!!!!! It aint gonna work!!!.  I then get into the traffic and as I pull into it, the taxi goes past on the wrong side and shows me the finger.  All good.  As I get onto Koeberg road, he is infront of me.  There I am, getting ready to take a photo of the taxis registration number as I am going to complain about it.....

I click away but of course, the pics are skew and really shitty, I keep at it though.  All of a sudden the taxi stops, and the taxi jockey hops out and dances infront of the registration number so that I cant take a pic. ... I show him the middle finger!!! He then turns around, and pulls down his pants.  I mean do I really wanna see a fat arse?? I have one already ffs!!!,  Oh wait, this idiot has nooooo idea I am menopausal and a fucken lunatic... I put foot on the accelerator .. my car jolts forward, this idiot does not even have time to pull up his pants, but leaps out of the way in time (dammit), and then swipes my car with his bag as I drive past, calling me terrible names!!! Sis on him!! Get in my way, and I will ride you over mother fucker!! Stop threatening us. Learn to drive and we will all get along fine.

Till then taxi man......... I wait for you!! Remember......, when you see a crazy woman, wonder whether its me and my menopause.   be scared....be very scared!!!!.

Monday, 22 June 2015

All things fat

I am a fat woman.  Yes, fat.  I diet, all the bloody time.  Is it helping ...NO.  why?  perhaps cos I eat when happy, eat when sad, eat when there is a party, eat when its hot , eat when its cold....eat 3 meals a day, eat one meal a day.  Does it matter.  Yes it does.   Is there an EA (eaters anonymous)  No... One has to eat... fuckit!!!! Do I want to be fat?  a resounding NO. Do I accept that I am fat.... uhm, sure but one has to define the acceptance.  Firstly, when I dream, I am thin in my dreams, when I drink, I drink myself thin and think I am Demi Moore, however when I am sober, THAT is a vastly different story.

I have not come to terms with my situation, and its not a new thing either.  I accept that in all things related to my weight, I procrastinate very much, in the sense that it takes me for ever to believe that I am actually fat. Looking in the mirror dispels my thin thoughts, but only for a brief moment... walking away, I am once again thinner... Its just a thing I have.  I dont think its helping me on my road to losing it.... but its a real thing.

I dont like that I am fat, and I dont for a minute believe that anyone that is overweight likes it.  (ok perhaps there are one or two, but definitely in the minority).  I do however accept that I am fat.

Being menopausal certainly does not help.  It makes me a grumpy fat at times.  That just pisses me off so much.  I am generally a happy person and joke all the time.... (yes its true fat people joke, but one must remember thin people do it too). I know its out there that fat people are funny, but thats got nothing to do with our weight.. Its our personality... get it... Being told that I mustnt lose weight cos then I wont be so funny is just beyond bizarre.  I was funny when I was skinny you retarded bitch!!!!! that shit has not changed...., my personality has not changed..... My SIZE changed... the rest.... the rest is all me... Being hormonal is not for the faint hearted.  Its like my internal flip switch on the thermos and the emotions just goes buck wild when it feels like it.  It doesnt give me a heads up to say, hey Missy in 5 minutes, you are gonna lose your shit over something small, oh and, dont forget the heat wave, thats gonna hit in 10 minutes.  Oops you are in a public place and cant undress.... my bad!! That shit is real.... Drinking is not an option to get over it, as alcohol makes me hot as well...but that could also be cos I think I am Demi Moore and sexy and can do it... Shit, either way, its a bad idea.

Being kinda pretty helps somewhat... not a whole lot but somewhat.... I remember a guy wanting to take me to a company dance and actually had the balls to tell me that I was gorgeous and fabulous and would love to take me to his dance but that my size put him off.... arsehole!!!! Do guys think its easy for us to show our cellulite?  to show our long tits?// Now that is a very real problem with fat girls who have very big tits. The weight pulls them down so they become long...Thankfully you dont have to roll them up to fit them in the bra,  one just lifts it and it sure fills the big bra!!!

Ok so the bottom line is............. I am fat and I do not like it but I do accept it unwillingly.  Take it or leave it, being fat is not a want, nor a need, its a fucken disaster.... but hey.... I shall continue on my quest to lose the weight.

So long y'all be good and keep on eating..

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Dating and sex
Going out on dates are absolute fun.  Or should I say "old school dating" is loads of fun, and you know whether you are going to have sex afterwards or not.  Those are the dates when you go out with your friends and you meet a random guy and smile at each other across the room, and, you know, flirt and be cryptic and then swop numbers to go out on a date.  Thinking about the date and getting ready is just as exciting and elicits butterflies in the stomach.  You would have changed your outfit about a million times, tried different shoes, different make up.  When he finally comes to pick you up to take you out for dinner, or drinks, the banter is great and you already have your flirty pants on, as we all want to be liked, and you know, let's be honest if he is hot, it's going to end in bed. What you do in bed would obviously depend on how much you drank, let's just talk about that for a second, as we all have drinking goggles!!  Having now spend time with the guy, and drinking wine, or the preferred whisky in my case,  whether you like it or not, you are liking him more by the minute, unless he is a proper tool, and you are put off, then you just drink to make the night go quicker, but beware, if you are a pleaser and you want to be liked, this is where the bus should stop before you start gargling your words!!!  Make an exit and FAST!!! or else,.... you are going to get laid even if you did not want it in the first place. 
Having sex on a first date is taboo for some people.  Even those that have sex on first dates, as they have been taught to hold out until the third date or even 3 months, or Bless those that do hold out to marriage!!!!  Never quite got that one, as you either like the person or you don't, and if you do, well, it's on I believe and loads of people put out on first dates.  Not necessarily all the way, a blow job here, a bit of cunnilingus there, a hand job, that would depend on your date and how you felt about him at that time. You see, sometimes the date starts well and ends really shitty, and it doesnt take much to make it go either way.... He could just burp or fart and you could be put off, or you could just be that drunk and not care for his manners, and that's when you end the date because my dears, if you continue to drink, you are going have sex... all the way sex..!!! ! It's going to happen. It might be shitty sex, who knows, but let me tell you, it's going to happen. If you end up spending the night at his place and you wake up, it could be awkward.   The previous nights shenanigans are a blur, you feel hungover, but hey, you might get a morning after shag, and then do the walk of shame leaving his place wearing your clothes from the previous evening.  Who knows dears, but let's just say that I believe sex and dating are good bed fellows!!!

Now, if we talk about *new age dating*, those are the ones you pick up on the net.  Those are the scary ones. You get the pic of the super hot guy or super hot chick, and it transpires they actually have 24 more zits than the pic shows, but hey, because you want to be nice you are going to give it a try... RUN... run for your bloody life darlings, those are the con artists of the world and your panty would be at your ankle in 2 seconds after you sat down, if you did not hold the elastic in your hand.  I have an experience with this 1st hand, so I will keep this short, and fill your dating do's and don'ts when next we meet.  

READ THIS and many many more stories in ALL THIS AND MORE... A NEW ONLINE MAGAZINE.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

My Robber Stopper!!!

I just want to say, living in South Africa today, is a sport.  Yep, you have to be able to run fast, or freeze on the spot. The amount of robberies and killings and raping happening is staggering.  And here we are sitting ducks...but ducks we don't always have to be.  We do not have to be locked up in our homes, to feel safe,  cos its our homes they are after too.  The content and whatever the hell they can get their hands on is all up for grabs.  They just want want want...but the only WANT they don't want is to want to work!!

Anyway, after all of that, about 3 weeks ago, in the wee hours of the morning I heard a very loud thud.. LOUD. I thought perhaps it was a tremor, it was not a sound I was familiar with. I got up and went to check the front door and all was well.  My car was still there, so it was all good.  I went back to bed not knowing that if I had looked out of my window, I would probably have laughed the whole neighbourhood awake and taken pictures. I went back to sleep not thinking much cos it all looked good.

I woke up in the morning, and opened my curtains............and there it was....proof , absolute proof that some miscreant wanted to do some affirmative action shopping in my house.  Who else jumps over your wall in the dead of the night like a criminal, but a criminal??? And this is where I was shocked.  He jumped over my wall and landed on my cactus plant!!! He fell down so hard, that he actually broke the pot that the cactus plant was in.  Now I ask you with tears in my eyes, how the hell did he not scream??? I have a cactus with very long thorns!!!  Justice I tell you, justice.  I am keeping my eyes open for some bloke walking around holding his arse, cos if he does not get it seen too, those thorn pricks will get septic...shame ... NOT  tsk tsk..

EPIC FAIL for him.... Now I am getting cacti all around my parameter wall, and will await the next visitor....


Friday, 10 April 2015

Bird Feeder..Impressive read

Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit... it was everywhere: on the patio tiles, the chairs, the table... everywhere ....
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.  And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ...  quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.  Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.   Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. 

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than our flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.