Tuesday, 14 May 2013

My Failed Divorce!!!

Wow, it really has been a while.  I decided to write about my divorce.... NOT from a man.... but from something worse than a husband.... its......its.....from my excess weight for heavens sake.

I actually asked my weight to leave my body on numerous occasions.  I first spoke to it, (mild diet as in drops and herbal crap and pills), then I begged it ( now getting onto the diet mixture that kicks like a mule and makes your hair stand on end), and finally I was shouting at it,( here we talking the heavy artillery as in Tobasco sauce and anything that hot and spicy).  And then of course lets not forget those health freaks and fanatics that insist they can help.  I mean, for real,  I even tried to punish THIS BODACIOUS Body of mine by putting it through strenuous paces, (by strenuous I mean anything from 5 sit ups to kegals to zumba, but to no avail.  I have finally come to the conclusion that this divorce of the fat ain't gonna happen.  My fat has decided it loves me too much, (and we all want to be loved right), but for shit sake,  just leave me alone already!!!!.

After all the diets, (and I do not think there is ANY diet that I have NOT tried), I have now finally decided that I cant fight this battle and have come to surrender to the will of the fat.  It has not beaten me... HELL NO!!! NOT by a long shot, its just kinda made me realize that the more I try and shake it off, or depart from it, the more the excess weight clings to me.  (I now clearly understand why men or women dont like clingy partners)

Listen, I have tried the heat pads, I have tried those damn shocker things.  Yes, shocking as it may seem, that i was prepared to SHOCK myself thin, I even had one of those shaker machines with the belt, NOT the new ones they have now, (its like 80's wobbler I had, with the belt that goes over the arse and you lean into it), a proper one that made you itch your arse off, except that the arse would not go either, it would itch, but it would not go...

Since the tummy tuck many moons ago, all I bare from that is a scar,  however, not all is lost in that department, as I can still see my vagina!!! Oh hell yes, its still in view, but then again that could possibly also be cos its fat, like a volkswagen bonnet. Who knows, for now I shall just fool myself and believe that I am some 50 shades thinner than I was the other day..  Its not really a case of fooling oneself.  Its more like, when I drink I believe I am a skinny bitch!!! and when I dream I am always thin in my dreams.... ERGO, I am thin... in a thick way obviously!!!...

Oh well, if anyone knows of any other way of getting slim, do get in touch.  I will probably laugh at you (no not with you) and say thanks cos my fat will fight you for what its worth and its taken me years to get here so yes, it gonna fight you tooth and nail.

Its incredible to have this kind of love in your life, even though its your own love, but ya, who are we to disagree with what our body is telling us.  Mine is totally telling me it loves me and RE-FE-USES to leave.  So this is definitely a marriage until *death us do part* or of course there is some new wonder drug, or drug lord or something that can help.  In the meantime I shall just merrily suck on my Xanax, it makes life so much better and so much lighter... in the head!!!!!

Toodles you noodles been nice writing again!!!

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