I have realized that the more I try and calm down, the worse I get. No seriously now, I wanted to have a chilled weekend. Really chilled week in fact. First off, I went to Kalk Bay to go and watch Martin Evans do the FBPK in the theatre there. He was my partner in crime in Come Dine. Was so funny and it was an awesome show. I only had a taster of wine. Went home and thought it was do-able. On Friday night, it was Jeanettes birthday and well, she wanted to have a potjie at my house, and who the hell am I to say no!! Really like THAT is going to happen. Anyhow, we only had dry red wine available. I cant stand dry wine in the first place, and then this dooswyn also stains your teeth. It looks bloody dreadful... Anyway, the Rattex Queen decided to put sugar in the wine to sweeten it and what do you know......It really did. In fact you could take that bitter red wine and turn it into a semi sweet or a sweet. I realize that I no longer have to try and make my own wine. I was made to promise that I will not let anyone drink my homemade wine. Listen, its vile shit to be honest, but hell it kicks like a mule on steroids before it started its workout!!!.So, the Rattex Queen got a bit bent outa shape with the wine. Me, I was drinking it, and champagne and trying to take it easy cos on Sat it was another party.
Come Sat night, its a fondue at Ali's house with Kathy and Adam. Now Adam is known as Charlie and Kathy, Ali and I are his angels. Some fat bastard by the name of Tyrone come to the party with his wife, and we were joking and talking about Charlie and he asks us,.... which one of you ate Charlie. Implying we were fat? What the fuck!!!! Ok ,.....ok so I am kinda large but really, eating Charlie... tsk tsk...The fondue was awesome, there were loads of us and I fell in lust with Fabio all over again... Oh don't get me wrong, I love his wife Anja as well but that Fabio, when drinking wine, and the fact that he is Italian is just too much for this champagne swilling, wine drinking, shooter loving woman. Oi vei.... that is a hot man....shooo
Anyway, between Ali and I and everyone playing 30 seconds, we were drinking loads of wine and well, Ali and Adam and I thought we were fabulous and were drinking shooters. Ali was making us blowjobs. Now I mean really, blowjobs are fun aren't they? Its smooth, it looks good (that could be cos we were hammered) and it tastes really really nice. While out partying I realized that I had forgotten about Haiawatha aka Leonore arriving in SA. No problem for me, I got young Ashley to drive me home as I will not drink and drive....
As we pulled away from Ali's house, it happened. I just shouted stop!!! and stop she did, but my stomach must have been churning like a fucken washing machine on spin and rinse the minute the vehicle started moving.. OMG. Projectile, full on!!!!! Goodness me, was I glad to get home and get into bed, and when Haiawatha arrived at my house after 2-00 (I woke up not knowing if it was a burglar cos they were trying to be quiet. Haiawatha is not quiet but not only that, I was so out of it, I was gonna ask the burglar to go to the shop for me) but it turns out it was her coming in so late cos she was out jolling, she walked in with her luggage and a sausage roll. Do you KNOW how good food looks that time of the night? She offered me a bite, I took it, and then I decided to spruce her sausage roll up, with some cheese and some sauce. She did not have another bite. Instead she went to the shop and bought 2 more pies and of course my Creme Sober, She remembers my green ambulance. Bless these red indians that come to visit. I am just pissed at her again cos she never brought me a male version wearing a loin cloth and having long flowing hair... Am I asking too much????