Long time

Oh its been ages since I have last blogged.  I have been too busy and I actually missed it.  Things are settling down now that Janet has gone back to the cold dreary UK and Sasha has moved to Johannesburg.  Everyone is going their own ways and its so sad.  But its winter so really, its just the right time to go to bed early with a good book or watch all those shows that I record.

A cooking bug has bitten me. Sasha taught me how to make bar one springrolls.  OMG She can make it.... I cant.. either the chocolate comes out the side or else the flippen pastry burns.... who knew.  Wait.... I did cos cooking never was my strong point was it.  I think the winter is going to make me fat..... its gonna take my sexy away... noooooooooooo oh hell no I am going to have to stop it..

So racing was flippen awesome on the 5th of May 2012.  Who knew that Aran could fly.  To be perfectly honest here, everyone knows that Aran is a racer and a damn good one at that but who would have thought that my boy could go so damn fast on an outdated bike.  To hear the comments and feel the vibe at the track was fantastic.  It was so phenominal I got pissed.  Oh wait... thats normal on a race day..

My ring tone on my phone is Kurt Darrens *Kaptein span die seile* which is freaking my friends out, but....... here is the thing, at the track, I was *Spanning die seile* while dancing somewhat.  Dunno hey, vodka makes me langarm and sidestep and twist all at the same time.  I think we need to rename my dancestep to langsteptwist.   Its wicked moves... hard work I would say...... but can only be done once vodka induced...
Yep, soak in vodka and then get on dancefloor.... steps will follow....

So I just want to say it was mothers day and once again my boy made me proud.  He even took his granny out for breakfast.... and then she done his washing...bwhahahahaha... OMG my mother is such a sucker when it comes to my handsome son.... I thought she treated my brother like a baby when he was early twenties but this is simply ridiculous.  Aran has the old bat just where he wants her.....The Rattex Queen (as she is fondly know as) absolutely adores my son as he ties her up with cellotape and then tickles the shit outa her.  Please bear in mind she can only fight back with one and and one leg. Poor duck... I think she likes it rough...Oh my word......

My sister and her brood were in a terrible motor vehicle accident over Easter in Umtata.  The girls each broke their pelvis.  The one the left pelvis the other the right and their little brother got concussed and broke some ribs, as did my sister.  Armando hurt his right arm.  I just think they should walk when they want to go somewhere... or else employ Malema as their driver.... just a thought....you never know ... the dude might need a job soon....

Ok now that I am finished talking shit... I will chat soon when some or other disaster hits me.  For now though its the cooking.... and since all my hair got burnt the last time.... I have learnt... lean back when cooking.....LOL although the stove burnt my hair when I tried to light a damn cigarette.  Damn.... gonna have to take it easy...

Bumps and Bruises and other stuff

Hi there, I have been itching to write about my latest damaging skills... (to myself that is).... After the last blog when I discovered that hellova big bruise amongst others, I realised that Naughty Natalie is a rather wild child I need to subdue the bitch... Kinda calm her down.. dont know how the hell that is suppose to happen....

On Friday night, Channy, Janine and Krishna decided they wanted a potjie.  Fair play to them it really was a good call and I swear I am gonna try that on a pot on the stove cos it was delish!!!.   Anyway, we were sitting outside just chatting and when I look up I see the gals are putting make up on.... MAKE UP... for a potjie... no boys present...REALLY?  Hmmmm this I found rather interesting and decided that I better do the same.  I went into the house and went to look for my evening gown but alas, Toya obviously put it away and I could not find it, so I just put on my feather boa, stiletoes and of course the ever present make up... with bright red lipstick..  After all a gal needs that bit of red to bring out the Marilyn in her.  When I got outside the bitches laughed. Except for Michelle who had just arrived and of course Shane  I was like what the hell?  Hmmm shows you, they do learn that if you do something, you simply have to do it with aplomp......  Shit, thinking about it.....  I really want that recipe.  I am so bloody useless at cooking ok ... perhaps I should start a TV show on how not to cook.  I do have the very short hair and the burn marks to prove it.....

Now to tell you about my NEW bumps and bruises..... After the bathroom had been redone... and boy does it look hot, not only did all the drains get blocked... and blocked BADLY..... in fact, so bad that my mother and Channy BOTH flooded the house all the way to the kitchen.  I can understand Channy cos she is blonde, but shit man, my mother... pffffft.... Anyway, I kinda cleaned the drains out and was really happy that I could use the new open shower.  I have a massage shower head so it really is a fab thing.  Anyhow,  I got into the new improved shower, turned the water on...and BAM.... the damn shower head fell on my head.  I got a moerse fright and a groot knop.  Now those of you that wanna call me knopkop can cos I do have one.  Anyway, I  am now showering under what can only be described as single flow..... (imagine a man urinating... its straight down)... that is what I am dealing with now.....  just a pathetic single flow.......Not a problem though cos I am having it fixed before Sat.  Hell yea...

Sat is race day again.... whoop whoop.   I love my race days.  So proud of my son racing a 1000 superbike.  I think its the only time he cant hear me moan....KIDDING goodness I do not moan THAT much....  Ya, when you have a child, you need hair on your teeth. (vodka).... and big balls (vodka).

Its gonna be fabulous, cos Megan, Channy, Janine and Sasha are all going to be there... Yes sir, it can only be good.... I will be wearing flat shoes however, (thats what I am thinking now ) dont know if its going to happen though but for now its a good thought.

Have a fantastic week further people.....God Bless and keep smiling

Racing with the Stars

It was hot and it was exciting..... and of course Ponchos and Vodka was flowing.... Initially however it started all calm and cool....we were all screaming and shouting for our local boys (sorry Greg will holler for you next time bud). Did not even know you were in town till I saw your dad. And that was after the 1st race.......

As the day progressed, the vodka started flowing and ponchos were poured and oh well.  This time it was rather different though. There was a band playing and it was getting exciting.  They were playing afrikaans music.  Yep I now want Kaptein span die seile as my ringtone on my phone....and I am gonna get it.  The next time this phone rings I will go in full dutchman mode.  Pasop mense....Hier kom die dutchie.....

Well with the music flowing as well as the vodka we were all langarming and the strangest thing happened.  I morphed into Julius Malemas wife.  Yep I cunt reememba who invedid mah hed.  I hed so much fun.  I theenk I must avoid this in my life.  Itch and every pearson enjoyed themselves. I am lenning to tok well now..... I am epplying to be his personal assis-tent.  I will be verrry verrry gud at it..

I have no fucken clue how that happened but anyway, we all became comrades and spoke like them.  Oh well Juju hope you had fun... We sure as shit did.....AT YOUR EXPENSE bud.....

Anyway, now its a new week and a new adventure.  Tomorrow night we are having a party for Chantelles birthday so that can only be good.  I see good times ahead for the week.

Just a bit sad that Janet is leaving to go back to Wales.  We just have to be patient and know that she loves us and will be back....

Have a fantastic week you lot.  I will blog later in the week...

Less Vodka? Is it do able....

You know, I have been thinking.... and yes yes  I do this often...  but this is about my weight again.  I drink vodka and the more vodka I drink the thinner I get (OBVIOUSLY this shit is going on in my head).  I believe that I have the figure like Cameron Diaz .... for real.  Ask my mates who have seen me in my gold lame 2 piece doing a handstand in my pool which is so shallow, that when I stand upright its just below my tits. Now imagine doing a handstand.  This means, only my arms and head and neck and half tit is covered.  The rest is well above water..  Ok wait.. maybe a bit more is covered.  Obviously depending on the amount of vodka being drunk at the time.  Doing this in such a small pool is not as easy as it seems.  But that doesnt seem to be the only problem.  The other situation is that I am fucken drop dead gorgeous.  Ok I think I am sexy anyway but hells bells when intoxicated, I am Miss World.  And lets not talk about my voice.   I think I sound like Madonna mixed with a bit of Britney Spears.  Oh my, when intoxicated I am the person you all want to be  (in my head people in my head ok) cos I am all of the above.  So now I am thinking.... maybe I should change my drink to brandy... and drink some serious karate water..... but then, in doing that, do I really want to become Jackie Chang and Jackie Chang everyones arse that comes my way.  I say HELL NO.... rather stick to the vodka.  I dunno maybe I need to go and see someone about these illusions in my head.  Oh skrew that...I love them.  Now Saturday is race day for my Aran again.  And of course its a vodka day.  I try I really try and stay sober.  In fact, when in drunken state I speak the queens english so that my son wont pick up that I have been drinking.  Hey puppy... thats bullshit, he catches me every time....

Oh wait... if that was it, it would be cool, but I even drink the ugly fuckers pretty.  I love people I dislike.  I am a mess I tell you a soft mess.  The only thing I am not when drunk is horny, so I wont ever wake up and think OMG I should never have done that.  I need serious love the next day though ya... ya ... you  know what I mean...

Good heavens.... I am hungry... going to go and eat now and consider what to do about the drinking...... but hey I only drink on race days and party days  and nooooooooo I do not party every day... However, having said that ... tom night is hair, nails and wax night and then Saturday is drink day buuuuut... then next week Wed is a public holiday and Chantelles birthday on Thurs, so I can only imagine that we will party on Tuesday evening.

Please Lord, let me once again drink myself into utter beauty to love and honor and be good to everyone.  Let me supply the entertainment as only our beloved Naughty Natalie can.  What am I saying..... I am trying to drink less here dammit....NOT more.....

Have a good one ya'll

ANTS,,,,fucken ANTS!!!!

Oh boy, so Janet is down with Rooikoppie from Wales and its been going fantastic so far.  We all went to Gansbaai on Saturday so that Rooikoppie and Chantelle could go and swim with the sharks...  I just kept telling Channy that if the shark approaches the cage, she must not fear, just shove Rooikoppie infront of her....LOL.  Jokes aside I like the redhead.... she on the other hand..... well lets not go to what she likes shall we.  I think due to being Welsh it might me a disadvantage.  Janet is not disadvantaged though as she used to live in South Africa and has picked up alot of our dutchman mannerisms.  

Last Sunday we had a welcome to Cape Town Janet and Zoe and a happy birthday Debbie braai.  What a fantastic surprise I got when Shane made me a huge pink birthday cake, with 2 piece costume on it and all.  I really had a great day.  I even ate  the  costume top on the cake,  however,....... thinking I was fantastic and fabulous and hot and of course we all know Naughty Natalie came out to play, ...  I had this fucken huge cheshire grin on my face, smiling romantically at any and every man in my path,  totally unaware that my teeth were pitch black .... BLACK .... How could that possibly be considered beautiful?  Oh well, I was Vodkad up so to me I was hot.... 

Not to sure if it was Janet or Bones or my mum, but someone threw me into the pool..... I know this cos I have the bruises.  Now I know they are going to deny this but who on Gods Green earth would want to hurt themselves the way I got hurt.  No, I stand by it..... It was them, mixed with Vodka of course....

Anyway, after Gansbaai, Janet and Zoe took my mum with them to PE to go and visit my Kimmie, and of course go and see some of Welshies family up there.  I came home with Channy and Paytton.

Now here comes some interesting tidbits.... You see, I now have the house to myself.  I did not want anyone there cos I wanted peace and quiet.  Which I do have NOW.... anyhow,.. let me not get carried away and rather tell you what happened.

After Lionel left with Channy and Paytton, I was so happy to do what I want that I hopped in my pool naked.  Hell yea... it was fabulous.  I took of my sarong and put that on the side of the pool on the grass.  After cleaning the pool and relaxing.... give me about an hour here, I got out the pool... put on the sarong and toddled into the house to get cracking on setting up the pvr to record my programs for the week.  Laying ontop of my bed, I got a horrible feeling of things moving on me.... I swiped an ant... on me... then another... then another....well now, let me tell you, I was so scared that the ants got in all my crevices cos there were BILLIONS I tell you all over the bloody sarong... that I hopped in the shower .....  felt loads better and then got back on the bed to resume the recordings.  Ha, what a fucken laugh... there were ants on my bed.  I swear to you I was ant lunch... I could feel it... revenge of the ants... Hell no... Next time I will put my sarong on a chair or a table but NEVER ever on the ground again....

Now just waiting for them all to come home on Thursday and see where the wind takes us... Yay  its exciting..

Oh gosh.... Aran is racing this weekend.  Eeeeek... its vodka time.... Oh dear oh dear....

diet? What the hell

Wonderful!!!!!  A friend and I are on these Chinese diet pills. I thought Karen was crazy to go on these but hey, who are we to say anything, anyhow, I voluntarily went on this with her.  A journey together of losing weight.  A lot of weight.  A hellova lot of weight or so we thought. And of course BONUS, there are 2 of us doing it and we are both gonna be thin, cos you know..... DIET PILLS WORK, that's why everyone is thin...Anyway, someone always knows someone that's been on a particular diet pill and of course that person has lost LOADS of weight, so why would it be different for Karen and I.

After being on them for 3 weeks I was of the opinion that it was not/is not working......however my dear friends and frenemies and all who have been on any and every diet in the book,  after 3 weeks I finally noticed something.  

Before I carry on with the story though, I would like to fill you in on the fact that my bathroom is out of bounds.  It has been since last week Tuesday.  A leak was found in the bathroom so we had to get the builders in and while they were at it, we had the plumbers in and are in the process of a bit of renovations.  Its been fun showering at the neighbour whose shower was funky in as much as the water runs down in a circle, whereas you stand in the middle of the shower you get bugger all buddy.  You gotta run around to get the water.  I am NOT complaining, it was wonderful that my Shane allowed us all to go and shower, it has just been so inconvenient for everyone, including Shanes' poor household that had to assist us all.  Yesterday the tilers came in to complete the tiling and of course, due to all the cement etc etc we were unable to use the toilet as well last night.  ERGO NO BATHROOM period.  

While all this wonderful work is going on at the house, we are all excited and of course I am taking my fucken fantastic Chinese diet pills...... which at this stage (3 weeks) I was convinced was not working.   However, now that there is no bathroom, specially no toilet,  it finally dawned on me.... These Chinese pills make you run to the toilet when you know you cant.... I have realized that when you eat anything fatty, THEN and only then do the Chinese, wonderful, never worked for 3 fucken weeks pills, decide to work.  Now don't be mistaken here,  I have eaten fatty things in the past 3 weeks for heavens sake, who hasn't..... But its only last night that I had no access to a bloody toilet in my own home that the Chinese wonderful shitty pills decide to work.  You know, most women wont crap in their own loo if a man (even a husband, live in lover, boyfriend) is in the vicinity.  Now imagine, I have builders re-laminating the dinning room floor, and I have tilers in the bathroom and I get that feeling.... you know... the one where your stomach starts cramping cos hells bells, its having its own little party there.... I KNOW I cant ask the tiler to leave the bathroom cos I KNOW its a big bad one.  They never smell but its gonna cos it need to embarrass you.  And its gonna be loud cos there are loads of people working in your house.  No dear, you then have to ask your neighbours son, screaming, shouting for him to open the door so that you have access to a loo..... Only because you cant use your own.  Ya, what a bloody ordeal with the Chinese diet pills.  YOU can ALL lose weight on it.... just eat something fatty and make sure there is no loo.  It sure as shit will work for you.  

I am back to looking for a sponsor for some lapband for me..... seriously people... this is SHIT!!!!!

Enjoy your day further and hopefully you all have access to a toilet....

Poor Poncho

Holy shit, its been forever since I have last blogged.  A lot has happened since then.  Many friends have fallen pregnant, some friends have dissappeard some have reappeared and well... some friends just stay the same.

Our house however has gone through some serious changes.  Had solar heating put in for that massive massive Olympic pool I built myself.. Yeah, the problem is now though that on hot days, the pool is so damn hot and yet on overcast days, the pool is cool.. WTF.  I need lessons here people.  Dont be mistaken I am NOT grumbling, I am loving the fact that I can now stay in the water for 8 hours and wrinkle up and its not cold.  Yes please. I do recall birthday parties et al where I have been sent back to the pool due to *limp legs*? perhaps, who knows but ya, it was crazy dont know how the solar heating is going to contribute to this now.

I called the insurance as I was sure the toilet was leaking and they sent out a plumber and whala,.... there was a leak but it was in the wall.  This was my opportunity to have the shower moved etc, but you all know the Rattex Queen.  Things HAVE TO stay her way till after its all been done and fixed and then she will say.  You know Debbie, they should have....blah blah blah.  Anyway, I made SMALL changes to the bathroom and she was happy.  The tilers came in yesterday to take all the tiles off the wall and do whatever else.  After they left, things looked normal.  When I woke up this morning, the shower and the taps that had been moved, were laying on the ground in the shower.  OMG... what the hell?  Had to phone the plumber again so I will see him in a bit.

Now about my darlin lil Poncho that was raped by Ryk Neetling the cat, aka Hulk the fucken horrible after he became a pain in the arse eventually.  Poncho has gone to have her lady bits sorted so that she wont slut around with that dreadful cat that wants to piss all over my house.  When Toya and Rattex Queen were catching Poncho and putting her in the box, I walked away.  I dont want Poncho to be pissed at me.  She is my guard cat after all.  Anyway, when I took Toya to the bus stop with Poncho in the box  I spoke quietly to Toya and in Afrikaans so that Poncho would not recognize my voice and just be mad at Rattex and Toya.  I am hoping it worked.  Will see Poncho tomorrow and give her loads of love and hope and pray its not me that she is gonna take her pissed off mood out on.

And a solid whoop cos Jan is coming to SA and arriving the day before my birthday.  SO damn happy about that I tell ya.  So very very happy..... Oooooh and she is taking the Rattex Queen to Gansbaai and to Port Elizabeth for a short while.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO YA'LL.....